mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
