I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
a search helicopter?!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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