he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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