fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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