when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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