she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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