On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
