ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
