if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
