Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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