Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
