So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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