guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
