how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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