We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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