I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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