im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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