I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
