i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
