Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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