I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
