So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
