she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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