I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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