I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it's like iHOP with fire
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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