he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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