i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
