We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
