my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
time to smoke my breakfast
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
