The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
