We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
