Please, let me fuck your mom
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
