I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
