Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish they made helmets for livers.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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