How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
