So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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