I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
