I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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