What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
