she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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