if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
