Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
