paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
