i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
