also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
