I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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