Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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