i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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