...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
