pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
